“With Thanks” is a recurring CNN Digital series aimed at sharing stories of gratitude from people whom others have helped in ways big and small.
(CNN)Ariana Godoy is a Venezuelan author, social influencer, and middle school teacher in North Carolina. Her Wattpad novel, A traves de mi ventana (Through My Window) was adapted into a Netflix movie, available to stream now.
Below, she writes to a friend who stood by her through one of her darkest times.
Dear Mariana,
Because you’re my best friend, I think you already know what I’m about to say. you know my story You know me to the core. But I’ll say everything anyway.
At this point I haven’t seen you in person for four years. Being in separate countries was never part of the plan, but I am grateful that despite the distance, our friendship remains strong. It seems I’ve found more reasons to be grateful with each passing year since I met you, the extrovert one street away from me, in kindergarten. (Mariana and Ariana – it was destiny!)
However, one period stands out more than others.
After my father died, I was broken in a way I had no words for, and you stood by my side as I found her. For that I will be eternally grateful.
The stomach problems that started shortly after my father’s funeral were the first symptom. My mother thought I took something away from the week I spent in intensive care watching the man I once thought invincible fighting for his life, looking sick and weak in a hospital bed.
Then came the panic and anxiety attacks. I didn’t know what they were. I always thought I was dying. I would choke because I felt like I desperately needed the CPR that doctors kept giving patients in the ICU. Dinner time was particularly tough. Around the same time every day, I felt like I was choking on my food and it was hard to eat.
There’s an image burned into my brain of you keep trying to find a car to take me to the hospital. From parties. From meeting places. From everywhere. That’s when I became that person that no one wanted to hang out with or invite anywhere. The girl who was always sick. The girl someone would have to drive home or take to the hospital. I would have been a total outsider, but you remained my stable bridge to life.
There was a time when it was hard to leave the house, but you encouraged me to go anywhere and assured me that when I was feeling down, we would go together. No questions asked. No judgement.
Mental illness is so lonely, sometimes especially in a group of people. But you never let me carry that weight; Instead, you literally offered your hand to hold. There were times I held onto it for life and like you promised we would always walk together.
I remember seeing a dozen specialists and making every scan known to man only to receive a physical certificate of clean health that stunned them. Then a cardiologist suggested I see a psychologist.
That was 2011. Since then, we’ve all come a long way in how we all talk about mental health. Sure, the shift toward more substantive conversations on the topic had begun by this time, but as you know, our beloved home is anything but progressive.
Campo Lara – in Zulia, Venezula – is tiny, isolated and hot. Like other worldly heat. Since we were so small, we were always a little behind the times. We didn’t have internet when everyone else in town had it. The battle for mental health awareness was lost back then.
If you went to a psychiatrist or a psychologist, people would say you were crazy. Even I didn’t trust my psychologist very much at first. But you would tell me that the mind can get sick just like the body. “We’ll get through this,” you would say. We.
If you weren’t there, if you weren’t the person you are – this calm in the storm of my trauma – I wouldn’t be here today. It was so bad.
Because as much as you have always been my anchor, you are also my opposite in many ways. I’ve always been a sensitive person who felt a little too much. An introvert with a writer’s stalker tendencies, such as my love of people watching. You are the soul of every party, with an enviably clear mind and a grounded heart. On a more surface level, do you remember my emo Avril Lavigne phase in high school? You really liked pink there.
But I’m thankful for our differences because I’ve learned so much from you – most notably the importance of just being there. Some people think helping someone else means fixing something—”What can I do to make you feel good now?” Not every situation has or needs words. Sometimes sitting next to someone and handing them a tissue to wipe away tears while they cry is more than enough – it’s all. Or when the only words that need to be said are, “I’ll help you.”
i love you mariana That’s why every one of my books features someone like you. You’ve been everyone from best friend to main character. When I write a character who selflessly knows how to be there for someone else, you always are. I know you told me never to use your real name, but I have to say I think I will one day even if you kill me. But I promise they’ll be amazing – just like you.
your friend,
Ariane
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