There was a moment of deep silence before Grace O’Malley-Kumar’s father, who was holding a tearful vigil, urged her former classmates to look out for one another.
Thousands of people turned out for the vigil at the University of Nottingham this week, shaken by the deaths of Grace and fellow student Barnaby Webber – two of the three people killed in a series of attacks on Tuesday. The attacks may have taken place in Nottingham, but the impact is likely to be felt by students across the UK.
Here, students and graduates who have lost loved ones share their experiences of grieving at university and their advice for fellow students who may be struggling.
Matt, whose full name we haven’t given, was working on his thesis in his room at a university in England when he learned that a friend had died.
He didn’t know how to break the news to his roommates and other friends who were upstairs listening to music and drinking at the time.
“I almost paced a bit, should I tell you?” he says. “I didn’t even know what I was going to do, what I was going to say. My mind was just spinning.”
Matt, who is now 25, left the flat that night to support another friend of the deceased and told his housemates what had happened the next morning.
For the next few weeks, he couldn’t bring himself to work at the university and eventually got an extension. He said parties have become “awkward” because people don’t know how to talk about what happened.
“It actually got better over time. But I think those first few weeks were just so tough. Everyone was almost speechless and went through it in their own way,” he says.
“But then you’re expected to go out and have fun. It’s someone’s birthday, you need to go out for a drink… you’re at uni, it happens every few days.”
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Looking back, Matt wishes he’d tried to have more open conversations with friends.
This is something Anna May, founder of the Student Grief Network, wants to encourage. Her brother died in an accident when she was a child, but it didn’t hit her “very hard” until she left home for university.
“It felt like I was a failing student. I didn’t enjoy it very much,” she says. “I thought…these were supposed to be really precious, precious years and I’ve enacted them with a sense of sadness.”
Anna, 26, started out organizing support sessions for fellow students at the University of Leeds and – post-Covid – started organizing online groups for students across the country.
When Anna’s father died in her senior year of university, she felt “less lonely” than when she lost her brother because her support work had exposed her to the grieving process.
The people who contact her primarily through Instagram range from people who have lost friends to suicide to grandparents. Some of their losses are recent, others date back years.
Anna says the grief following this week’s attacks in Nottingham is likely to take place on two levels. It will affect those who knew Grace and Barnaby, but also students at universities elsewhere in the UK because “it’s something that can happen anywhere”.
“It can be really complicated when there are a lot of people in one place grieving over something,” she says.
“Grief affects people so differently that it will undoubtedly create discomfort, conflict, and tension.”
But she urges students who are struggling not to “set expectations about what their grieving journey will be like, because it will always change.”
Her tips for any student struggling with grief at college include:
- Remember grief is a natural reaction to loss. It’s normal for things to be a bit messy. Let those feelings come up
- Grief can be exhausting, so give it a try Hear what your body needs. Sometimes it can be a walk, a short exercise, or just sitting and doing nothing
- Find a way to do it express your sadness And remember the person who died. You can do this by writing things down or by talking to someone close to you or who is less familiar with the situation, such as a tutor or counselor
- You I don’t have to feel guilty to make you feel better or have fun – it doesn’t mean you forget the person who died
The University of Nottingham has referred students to their wellbeing support teams. Universities UK told students that support teams would be “standby to speak to anyone who feels affected by the news”.
But Jay Lewis, 22, a student at the University of Cardiff who lost his father while he was studying, says there is “a lack of support in universities for grieving students”.
“My first experience of grief was very isolating…I felt the social aspects [of university] Pretty heavy.”
Jay says online meetings with the Student Grief Network have allowed him to discuss his fears about how to approach particularly difficult dates away from his father, such as his graduation and his death anniversary.
Jay is in the process of building his own grief support network at university, offering in-person sessions to help people share their experiences.
“Hopefully this group will make people realize they are not isolated. There are more people our age going through this than meets the eye.”
The University of Cardiff has welcomed the move. It said it offered “comprehensive support services” but “there is still more that could be done”.
Cruse Bereavement Support’s Andy Langford says grief “hits particularly hard in the college environment” and that “most, if not all, colleges are currently falling short of the standard of bereavement support that they should be offering.”
He says Cruse offers free one-on-one support sessions, a hotline and online support — and is developing training for universities.
According to Universities UK, in recent years institutions have “increased their efforts” to help grieving students. Many of them offer specific bereavement support and make sure students with mental health issues have “the right support”.
Student Minds’ Dominic Smithies called the reaction of the entire higher education sector to the events in Nottingham “really heartwarming”.
“When a member of the university community is lost, I think universities do a really good job of bringing the community together,” he says, pointing to this week’s vigil at the University of Nottingham as an example.
But he believes the sector “can better support students who are dealing with grief and loss at any point in their university life”.
Students struggling can visit the charity’s website for “tips, guidance and reassurance” as well as stories from other people who have struggled with grief, he adds.
If you are affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, here are details of organizations that can help you BBC Action Line.
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