How should I tell my child? That was the first thing that came to mind when Hollie McFarlane was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She and her four-year-old daughter Sydney are very close and have spent a lot of time together while Hollie’s husband worked during the week.
Her weekly schedule included a visit to the library, pizza night, swimming, McDonald’s, and the zoo.
But eight months ago, her life “changed overnight”.
The 43-year-old from Pwllheli discovered a breast lump last October after putting Sydney back to bed after a nightmare.
“Everyone said to me, ‘You don’t have to worry at all, you’ve lost weight and your body is just changing,'” Hollie said, but booked a follow-up appointment anyway.
“The day came and I was absolutely convinced that there was nothing to worry about.”
But the English and drama teacher was “completely speechless” when she saw the expressions on her doctor’s and nurse’s faces.
Her husband Mike quit his job and didn’t leave the couple’s side for the next five months.
According to the NHS, breast cancer is the most common cancer in the UK and one in seven women will be diagnosed during her lifetime.
“I tried my best to hide it [Sydney] but she’s not stupid,” Hollie said.
“Of me and her disappearing into our little bubble of energy, and then suddenly her dad is home, her dad is taking her to school. She knew something was up.”
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Hollie decided to take parts of MacMillan’s book Mummy’s Lump to help Sydney understand what she was going through.
In the book, which is aimed at children under the age of 10, a mother is shown looking at her hair that has fallen out in the mirror.
“Sydney looked to the side, looked at me and burst into tears when she realized this was my mom,” she said.
“I told her Mom will be fine.”
Hollie soon stopped running 62 miles (100 km) every month and could barely walk down the stairs.
“Sydney would be very frustrated with me because she’s never seen me in bed like this,” Hollie said.
“She said ‘come on’, pulled the covers tight and tried to pull me up to the trampoline.
“She missed so many things because I was down, I felt awful…guilty.”
Those moments contributed to Sydney’s “really struggling.” Hollie said there was limited help for a child Sydney’s age to deal with the reality of the diagnosis, so she decided to take matters into her own hands.
Years ago, Hollie began writing a book about a girl who was diagnosed with breast cancer, but she never imagined that years later she would find herself as that girl.
Writing a new text to help Sydney kept her busy.
The book Sometimes Mommy Feels… was written from Sydney’s perspective to help Hollie process her daughter’s feelings.
“Whatever I’m feeling, I’m going to go to this site and show her — I still have to have radiation therapy,” she said.
Some may wonder when, how, and if you should tell a child about your diagnosis. Charities such as Cancer Research UK and MacMillan have a range of resources that can help.
For Hollie, she felt Sydney “needed to know something, but didn’t need to know the details.”
She kept all cancer terminology out of the book and focused on the couple’s special moments together. Sydney’s favorite page shows a moment when the duo went to Chester Zoo after Hollie’s latest round of chemotherapy.
“I think she knows the story is about me and her.
“It’s hard to explain to a four-year-old, but I think she understands from our experience.”
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10 copies were initially made for the family, but when Hollie shared the book on social media, it received an extremely positive response even in Australia and Denmark.
“If I’m able to help another family…then I feel like something really positive has come out of a really negative situation.”
To her relief, Hollie was given the all-clear on May 10 of this year. But her cancer isn’t over yet as she has to undergo preventative treatment and radiation therapy.
“The lesson I learned from this is that I have to live every day,” she said.
“Be happy and don’t stress yourself. It’s just about living in the moment and appreciating everything that’s around you.”
And for Sydney?
“I’ll tell her everything when she’s old enough,” Hollie said.
“But for now, she’s come to the realization that this book explains everything that’s happened to us as a family, and now she knows everything will be fine.”
If you are affected by the issues discussed in this story, here are details on where to go for support BBC Action Line.
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